I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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