somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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