I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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