I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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