I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
