Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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