i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
