I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
