Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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