Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
