Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
