oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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