so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
