And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
