I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
