So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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