Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
the condom got lost in my hair
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
