Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
