Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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