i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
