conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
