I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Floor bacon is actually really good
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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