I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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