Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
