Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
