mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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