When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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