I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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