Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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