Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
