Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I forgot wine drunk hurts
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
