just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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