what day is it and did you see me today?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
