Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
