okay pat passed out under dana's car
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
