and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
