Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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