ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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