i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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