the condom got lost in my hair
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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