4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
