We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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