i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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