"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
