I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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