I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
