I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You were trust falling into bushes
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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