If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
