I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.