I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
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speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.