Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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