I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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