Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
