a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
