you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
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True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
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I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.