I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"