Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
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There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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