I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
