She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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