I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
