the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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