You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
