I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just invented taco cereal.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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